Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Brave Whiner

I'm starting to come back out of the pit that was my 6th chemo treatment. This particular "cocktail" seems to really be good at kicking my butt. It's understandable, as a friend said today, "They ARE poisoning you." On the upside, I'm 75% done with chemo, only 2 more treatments to go! Woot!!

Not to sound pompous, but during this treatment I've thought a lot about bravery. A few weeks ago at the grocery store a friend stopped me and said I was "her hero" for the way I've fought cancer. I thanked her, but said "You'd do the same thing." And I think for most people, that's true. You fight, stay as strong as you can, but also start to feel very guilty when your strength wanes and vulnerability sets in. I know the guilt weighs on me terribly sometimes. When I'm at my lowest strength-wise is when I hit my lowest on an emotional level.

I don't think there's anything particularly brave about the way I've handled this. In fact, I think I'm kind of a whiner.

Boo hoo...I feel sore today. But I'm not in a coma.

Sniff...I couldn't keep food down. But I'm still here.

There are people all over the world going through much worse than I am. I hate to even think about it like that, like bargaining with God. "That sucks for them. Please don't give me that!" But that's what it is. I accept what I'm going through. I don't ask why. I thank God every night for the gift of another day, even if it's not a particularly good day. Today I was up and around, pretty good day.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Blogging...it's harder than it looks

Hello! Remember me? I didn't think so. I'm the girl who said she was going to update her blog often. Turns out, having a blog is harder than you think.

My goal was to update everyone on the progress of my fight against breast cancer (I'm winning, BTW!). With that goal in mind, whenever I thought to post something, I felt like I was whining about cancer, and that is NOT what I wanted to do. So I've decided to make this a blog about my life in general, with a dash of cancer stuff.

On the cancer front, counts are good & chemo sucks, but hasn't been as bad as I was anticipating. My doctor, who is awesome, changed my cocktail and I started a new treatment on June 29th. I felt good for 2 days then it kicked my ass. Seriously - felt like I had been hit by a truck and had to call in reinforcements - Mom & Dad. They were lifesavers! They watched my kids for 2 days, washed my dishes & did my laundry. I couldn't walk 20 ft. without getting winded and breaking out into a sweat. I was bad about taking my anti-nausea pills though, because I was good for 2 days - so......BAD MARJIE! I won't make that mistake again! 

So, on to life stuff...I spent a great weekend playing golf with friends in Conway Springs. Bob and I played in the 2nd Annual Dilly's Place benefit tournament. It is a FUN event, hosted by some AWESOME people! The point of this is not to brag about my golf game...I sunk an 18 ft. putt on #8, then out-drove all the guys on #3..., but to tell you about Dilly's Place.

Dilly's Place is an organization that has one goal in mind...building a playground in Conway Springs that is accessible for kids of ALL-ABILITIES! The idea for this playground grew from a need for the disabled community to have a playground - because EVERY kid deserves to be a kid. The two ladies that spearhead this organization have a child/grandchild who is autistic and recognized this need first-hand. The need is great and the need for funds is even greater. Anyone who has put in a backyard playground knows they don't come cheap. Imagine trying to build and pay for a playground for an entire community.

If you are interested in helping to make this dream a reality, I encourage you to go to the Dilly's Place facebook page, find their address on the information section and send them a donation! If you are in the Conway Springs/Wichita area, give them a shout and ask how you can help.

To me, the best thing about this playground is that it will be designed to be non-exclusive, children of all abilities, big & small will have an area to play.

And that's all any of us want, an area to play. Right?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

BLESSED!

So, I haven't written in a while. Not surprising though. I don't know about the rest of you, but I tend to write or over-think when there are times of stress or reflection. I guess, its been a good week! Nothing pressing to write about. Except that I started loosing my hair. I'll post pics when I'm good & bald. It just looks patchy & gross now. ;)
I had my 2nd chemo treatment on Wednesday the 18th. Doc Johnson said my blood-work was "awesome" and that I'm taking to the treatment very well! I even asked him if I was getting enough...his response, "You want more?"  LOL, not exactly, I just want to make sure we're doing our damnedest to kick this cancer's ass! I don't plan on going though this again. He assured me that I'm not being under-medicated at all, in fact he's hitting with everything he has. Good.
Couldn't help but ask though, because I've been blessed with a lot of good days for a woman on chemo! I'm sure you've all heard the same stories, chemo patients constantly sick, nauseous, in pain. I was prepared to be one of those women, prepared to watch the summer go on by. I know that each treatment affects each patient differently, but I am truly amazed by how good I feel. Now that I'm through the 2nd dose, I have a pattern and know what to expect for the last 2 doses of these drugs. It could all change in July when I start a different "cocktail."
Its a good thing I'm feeling good, there are things to be done! There are kids to raise! There's work to do! There's golf to play! There are concerts to go to! (Seriously, George Clinton & Steve Martin both in Salina this summer! P-funk meets King Tut! Not the same day though, that would put the universe into chaos! Yes, yes, yes...I am a super eccentric music geek.)
So, for this week, the word is BLESSED! I am blessed with a good attitude. I am blessed with awesome family & friends! I am blessed with an excellent medical team. I am blessed to be here, everyday.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Where I'm supposed to be...

Not really sure how to start this thought, but I guess my feeling of late is "I'm where I'm supposed to be." How, you ask, can someone who has cancer be comfortable with where they are in life. It's horribly depressing to think about really. You start to feel the "why me's" coming on. Well...why not me?

For those that know me, I've had rough 2-3 years. I went through a divorce, changed jobs twice, moved 3 times and at one point was working 5 different part-time jobs to make ends meet, all while raising 2 boys. Last summer about this time my Mom starting to get very sick, eventually ending up in the hospital for weeks, then rehab, then staying at home while I worked full-time and left our shop in the care of high schoolers (who did a fabulous job!). It just seemed like none of us could catch a break. So we turn the calendar pages to February, everyone is feeling pretty good, although Mom is still on IV therapy for her infection. Cool.

Then...CANCER!  

WTF???? Where did that come from?

So, now that I've had some time to reflect on the whole thing, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason and that I'm where I'm supposed to be:

If I hadn't of gotten divorced, I probably would not of found the cancer until it was much more developed and possibly metastasized. What possible logic could I have for this? I found the tumor after I had my tubes tied, which I wouldn't have had done if I were still married.
If I hadn't of changed jobs twice I wouldn't have the outstanding boss & insurance that I have now. Mike Peterson, my boss, is wonderful, truly wonderful. He's allowed me to take care of my illness without having to stress about losing my job. That is trust & compassion I absolutely will not take for granted. If I'm feeling good, or even so-so...I'll be there for him.
If I hadn't of moved 3 times, I wouldn't be living in the great complex that I live in. Not only is it a nice place with wonderful neighbors & friends, it is income based. When the amount of hours I was able to work went down, the staff was willing to work with me.
Now, the last thing is much more difficult to accept, and I still struggle to understand the meaning or why's of my Mom's illnesses. Between lupus, kidney transplants, lung infections & blood clots, our family has had a long road, since about 1986. The only thing I can grasp is that by having witnessed the grace, humility & strength with which my mother has handled everything, I have a shining example of how to handle myself in my current predicament. And not only for myself, tons of people have been witness to my Mom's strength and hopefully it has inspired them as it has me.

So, are you where you're supposed to be?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dance Your Cares Away...

So...Yesterday was a GOOD day!!! All of my scans were clear, which means I am a Stage 2 cancer patient. Even though there was cancer in the nodes (which were all removed), my bone scan, CAT scan & all blood work came back clear. PRAISE GOD!!!  So, in celebration, I present a group of folks who can say it better than anyone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7TTk_0XYn4

I honestly don't know who celebrates better than Fraggles, do you? ;)

Yesterday I had my first round of chemo. As far as the actual treatment goes - boooring! It's just me, with a little needle hooked up to Portia (what we named my infusaport). Over 2-1/2 hours I received an anti-nausea med, a steroid, and 2 separate chemo meds. After that, Mom & I headed to lunch, then to get all of my at-home meds - more anti-nausea, steroids & a sleeping pill.
I finally made it back to work at 2, and that lasted until 3:15 - I was wiped out and had a headache by this time. I headed to bed and basically stayed there, unless you count the 2 trips to the bathroom when the nausea meds didn't work. Blah.

Felling pretty good today, woke up about 9 when Bob came over to check on me & let Max, my super-duper dog, outside. Just been taking it slow. Dad took me back to the cancer center to get my Neulasta shot this afternoon. This shot boosts white blood cell production, to counter act the chemo, keeping me healthy as possible. Now I'm just relaxing a bit. It all wears you out pretty good, but from what the doctor & nurses say, the regimen that I'm on shouldn't be that bad. Since I'm doing chemo every 2 weeks for now, I might get lucky enough to have 1 good week in between. Hope so!

God Bless & love you all!!!!
Marjie

Monday, May 2, 2011

I'm Fine. Really!

WARNING: Rant Ahead!

Is it wrong that I get annoyed by folks who ask me how I'm feeling while they have a horribly pained look on their face? It's not that I don't appreciate their thoughts, I do. Really, I do. But at the same time I want to say, "I'm not dying, I'm FIGHTING!!!"

Okay, that's out of the way. Sorry.

I know this makes me sound incredibly ungrateful. Cancer sucks and there's no debating that. It's just that I'm a 'glass is half-full' kinda gal. That's the one thing I do know about myself - I keep filling up everyone else's cups. Like that lovable waitress Flo from Mel's diner, I'm gonna fill up that cup and then give ya a sarcastic nugget straight outta my big mouth.

This fight is gonna be hard enough as it is, so if you see me wearing my mopey-pants, lift me up. Give me a little out of your cup and I'll do the same for you when you're running low.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Just rollin' along...

What a week! Started out pretty low, having my 4th surgery since 2/25, but the week ended pretty well with some "unofficial" good news. So...let's get started!

Monday was a full day, beginning with a 2-D Echo-cardiogram at Lindsborg Hospital. This was not what I expected, having confused it with a EKG. Again I was suited up in a gown, and told to lay on my left side so the tech could essentially do a sonogram of my heart. Having long since passed the point of embarrassment, it didn't even bother me that the tech was trying to get around "my girls" in order to get the picture. They also recorded the sounds each of the 4 valves were making. I asked the tech if everything was okay, because to me it sounded like a drain backing up. She just laughed and said I sounded perfectly normal. So, Echo complete, I moved on to the Salina Surgical Hospital to have my chemotherapy infusaport placed.

Normal check-in procedures - I'm getting pretty adept at all this by now. For the actual surgery they decided to keep me "awake." Translation: "Yes, you will be awake, but we will pump you so full of drugs that we could amputate all 4 limbs and you wouldn't give a crap." That being said, this was supposed to be the easiest of the 4 surgeries I've had. I guess it was, it only took about 10-15 minutes for them to place the port. And as Dr. Macy was leaving the operating room he said he would see me later, to which I replied (in my drug induced stupor, "No offense, but I hope not."

So I'm wheeled out to recovery, which is a bank of recliners separated by curtains. I doze there for an hour or so...probably more. I'm able to eat some toast, drink so water and not feel nauseated, so I'm thinking this is great! Dad gets me all loaded up in the truck and off we go. We pick up the kids from school, go to the pharmacy then head for Dad's. When we get there I have a few crackers, take a pain pill and go to sleep for a while.

I should mention that I am SUPER sensitive to the narcotic pain meds & anesthesia, so I specially request pain killers that are non-narcotic. Fine. Great. SUPER! Right? WRONG!! Holy cow, from about 6 p.m. Monday night until 3 or 4 p.m. on Tuesday, I was one messed up chick. Nausea, headache, and eventually throwing up. I was supposed to go back to the hospital at 12:30 on Tuesday for a bone scan. Well I almost went to the hospital, but not for a bone scan. When the kids were at school on Tuesday I think my folks were ready to load me up and take me back in. Luckily after a few phone calls to the doctor, a dose of nausea meds & some heavy peach syrup, I was finally able to keep stuff down.

Handy tip: Syrup from cans of cling peaches helps nausea! Take a tablespoon every 20 minutes for an hour, then try some water or soda crackers an hour after your last sip of syrup. It works!!!

I finally got home around 6ish on Tuesday night. I was able to work most of the day Wednesday, all day Thursday, then back to testing on Friday when I finally had my bone scan. As far as tests go, the bone scan was the easiest. With the exception of getting another shot of radioactive isotopes, a bone scan is an excuse to nap for 20 minutes while a computer guided x-ray glides over my body. The tech for this test was one talkative lady! We discussed the Royal Wedding and eventually she asked my story. I gave her the Cliff's Notes version (should have given her a link to this blog!) and she agreed that I'm one lucky lady.

When the test was over, she looked it over and said I was "clean as a whistle!" while reminding me that she's not a doctor, but she did have 40 years experience in radiology & nuclear medicine. That was the first bit of good news I've gotten in weeks, so let's hope the doctors concur!

Wednesday I'll meet with Dr. Johnson, my oncologist, to discuss test results. Pray for clean results, please. That's all I can ask of each of you. As long as we don't find it anywhere else, I am in Stage 2, which the doctor said is completely treatable.

Also on Wednesday I begin my first chemotherapy treatment. I'm looking forward to getting more details on side effects for these particular drugs. We've all known someone who lost their hair, had nausea, but each drugs affects everyone differently. I shopped around for wigs on Friday and found a few styles I liked. I will probably be cutting my hair this week so it's not such a shock to me when the long stuff falls out. I've been growing my hair out for 2-1/2 years!!! Going bald is going to irritate me!!!! :)

To end the week, the boys, Bob & I took off for the Zoo with our friends the Orchards. It was a great, but cold, day! Shielah was right, I needed to get out and do something fun. Thanks girl, I appreciate it!!!

Thank you all for the prayers, well wishes, cards, flowers, etc. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends & family! I love you all.